A year ago today, I went to get my head shaven – I made a bald statement!

It was for a hair4hope event that runs every year @ Vivocity. Honestly though, the idea of going bald first germinated in my head since my JC days, around 2012/13.

At that time, we had the hair4hope event happen in our school. On that day, people signed up in the hall and waited for their turn to put on the hair salon capes and have their hair buzzed off. I remember feeling this strong desire – or perhaps curiosity – to do it too, but it quickly dissolved when I heard other people voice out their concerns or reluctance to do it.

I voiced out this feeling to the boyfriend at that time and was faced with a big no.

Oh well, I thought, I don’t know if I’m ready for it anyway.

Which was probably true. My level of confidence and self-worth at that age depended very much on what other people think or say about me. Even now, it is very much like that, but I’m in a much better place now (but that’s another story for another day).

There was no appropriate time to do it since then, for I went through falling apart and picking up the pieces, and I was learning to love myself too. So the idea died out somewhere in the back of my mind.

Until I fell in love again, this time with a man who loves me completely for who I am, and this had a profound impact on how I saw myself and my confidence level. He was also super supportive of everything I want to do, so I was finally in the right place to do it.

I also follow this vegan fitspo person on Instagram (@liftvegan), and she has shaved her head a few times, and have been keeping her hair short. Watching her videos and reading her reflections/feelings about going bald really sparked the fire in me again, and the idea came back into the foreground.

I really wanted to learn how to love myself beyond my outlook – my skin, my face, my hair, my body – and I also wanted to do it when I had the freedom to. I also wanted to push myself and challenge myself, but I just really needed an “excuse” to do it.

I decided to take a gap year after graduation, so somehow the timeline all aligned nicely, and the time the event was happening was a perfect fit for my schedule – after my graduation ceremony, no important events.

I asked my boyfriend if he would like to go for it with me, and he was such a good sport and said yes!

And… the rest is history.

Here are the pictures, and journey of my hair growth over the year 🙂

My dad was so excited when i reached home that night, he immediately pushed his phone to my brother to take a picture of us together. I think this might be my favourite picture of us yet – I always show people this photo when I want to show them my Papa.

It wasn’t always easy to see myself without any hair. After all, I have had it all my life, and sometimes it helped me feel safe and protected from other people’s judgements – I would use my hair to cover up my flaws and insecurities. 

Sometimes when I get bored, I play with my hair too! It also keeps my ears and neck warm when it gets a little cold 🙂

Without my hair, I felt… somehow less than a girl/woman, very exposed and vulnerable, since there was nothing left to hide my bald spot and also my skin. There was also a lot of double takes going on when I went to the washroom – people would be stunned and double check the sign on the toilet door.

I feel like I looked hideous in more feminine clothes, but also too boyish/manly in more neutral clothes. Nothing seemed to look right.

So sometimes, I covered up.

Suzie and Weiwen wedding // Sep 2018

Yilan, Taiwan // Dec 2019

Pickin trash @ Pasir Ris Park // Apr 2019

So… It’s been a year (+ one day but aiya) of ups and downs in terms of confidence and self-image. But I’m very glad I embarked on this journey and pushed myself out of my comfort zone 🙂

I feel, and also want to believe that, because of this “special” hair, people find me more approachable and friendly? I feel that many conversations that would not have started, happened because of my hair (or lack thereof lol).

I learned to be comfortable in my own skin (and hair), and I somehow feel more ready to show all of myself too.

While this is a journey more personal than for a cause, I would still like to extend my support and empathy to all those who do not get to choose if they get to keep their hair or not. Being bald is nothing to be afraid of, not loving yourself is way more scary.

That said, I will not likely be shavin ma head anytime soon hahaha.

Happy baldiversary to me and my heurrrrrrs!