Morning hike up a mountain in Kathmandu, Nepal // Sep 2018

Hello world. I’m finally back with part ii of my story, you can read part I here if you haven’t already.

The break after ‘A’ levels was a pivotal time in my life, for many of the things that happened then contributed significantly to where I am now.

Right after exams, I attended a three-day class that really woke me up and showed me the true meaning of life, what we’re meant to do here and also how to start. I have never been this touched in my life – or I could say, have never allowed myself to be this touched and vulnerable before – and this class really calibrated my life direction for me. I had a renewed sense of being and also outlook on life after that. (*biggest pivotal moment)

Before uni started, we had around 8 months of holiday, and for me, it was finally a REAL holiday – no homework, no revision, no CCA training, no make-up lessons… no nothing. I could finally choose what I want to do with all that time!

The first thing I chose to do was to find a job I really liked, so I found part-time work at a vegan bakery! It was like a dream come true for me, really. Although the pay was pretty low, I learned so much and enjoyed it so much that it didn’t really matter. I loved every part of it – the cashiering, the baking, the cake decorating, the managing of CNY orders, talking to customers, receiving orders, everything! (okay except maybe the part I had to wear a cap/hair net every day, that was bleh)

It was also my first “real” job, with CPF contributions and all, so it was really cool for me. It didn’t last very long, less than three months, but if I ever knew what job satisfaction was, that was it for me.

In April, I went on my first mission trip, and it was also our first ever trip to Nepal. It was amazing for me, it opened my eyes to so many things – the people, the culture, the food, the language, and the meaningful work that seniors were doing. I loved the experience and I knew right there and then that I definitely want to be back, and I want to learn more so I can do more. (*2nd biggest pivotal moment)

While all these great things were happening to/for me in these months, something was starting to sour and spoil too, and that was the relationship with the boy. As my direction in life started becoming clearer, so did his. Only in a different direction, one that would lead us further and further apart.

I did try to let him into this part of my life and see what I have seen, but he wasn’t very welcoming. On hindsight, I was probably too aggressive with it that it may have seemed like some form of emotional blackmail.

But slowly, we both knew/realised that we weren’t treading the same path anymore, and because we still wanted to be together, we held each other back from where we would like to be heading.

All this time, I had started to get more and more involved in activities in the temple, because I had so much time on the weekdays, and on weekends there would be children’s class and also a weekly class we would attend. It was a very fulfilling time for me because I had so much to learn and so many opportunities to grow.

This was also the time that the boy was in the army, so things got really difficult. He would only have weekends free and my weekends are usually at least half-packed. He was also tired all the time during weekends, and also busy washing and preparing things for the next book in. I guess he didn’t understand why I had other priorities and I feel like I didn’t have him with me most of the time (weekdays).

We still went on relatively well for many months – those were happy times! – until he had the opportunity to be posted to Australia for the rest of his time in NS. I was mostly happy for him, for it was definitely a good opportunity, but I was also afraid of being alone – or even, being lonely.

I never imagined we would be in the LDR but it happened, and it catalysed the ending of our relationship. Our messages became less frequent and calls rarely happened. Because we no longer share any experiences and our routines didn’t change much either (I was already in uni by then), there was almost nothing much to talk about anymore.

One night I woke up in the middle of the night, and I saw a text from him basically saying, “This feels so wrong but I think it’s the right thing to do. Let’s break up.” I thought about it not for long in my half-sleepy mode and replied something like “Yes I guess this is the best thing to do for both of us. Thank you for everything and for all the memories.” and going back to sleep because it was maybe 4am?

Next morning I woke up, I felt a bit numb, a little dazed, and then I cried. It went on for a good two or three months, crying myself to sleep and also not wanting to get out of bed. I still went to school every day but I dreaded talking to anyone.  A small thing or thought could trigger me and leave me in tears – even in the lecture hall lol. I was a mess.

There were points in time where I really wanted him back in my life, and would send him a message after thinking long and hard, and mustering up all my courage, and the answer would come – no. In retrospect, I’m glad he stood his ground and didn’t budge – it definitely made things easier for me.

For many people, deleting and removing everything that reminds you of that person after a breakup is the way to go, but I didn’t want to. All those memories are still precious to me, and I wanted to heal the proper way. Every day I will look at those memories, and there will come a day when I look at them and feel okay, and that’s when I know I have moved on. I wanted to face this sadness straight in the eye.

Life went on, I completed another semester and was doing an internship in the summer, it was all going okay for me in terms of recovery – some falls here and there, but getting better.

One day, I saw that he was back from Australia! I never thought he would be back before NS ended but he did. I was excited for no reason, for he would probably only catch up with his friends and family. But there was a small part of me that hoped he would ask to meet up…

… and he did!!!

I was so excited on the day we were supposed to meet that I could not stop having butterflies and could not sit still at work. Once the bell rang, I stepped out of school and went to meet him. I thought it would be awkward or weird, but it turned out fine. We were talking like we used to, and we walked really close together. It made me miss those times we had together. We even took the bus together and sat really close like we used to when we went to school together in secondary school and JC times.

I alighted and went for tuition, but I really, really hoped he would get off the bus and come running to me (lol, watch too many movies). Alas, he didn’t.

I sent him a message later that night and asked if we could get back together, or at least talk things out (so at least we could have closure), but he said he didn’t have time, and that we could talk about it when he’s back for good.

For me, that was it. I was completely devastated, but also numb to it by then. After that, I completely gave up hope on the relationship ever patching up again, and finally got ready to move on.

So thank you, boy. Thank you for everything.

Everything that happened after I decided I was ready to move on turned out to be great. I finally felt free again – free to do anything and everything I want, and not live for anybody else.

I learned to love myself again, and not wait for someone to love me.

I learned to be comfortable being alone, and sometimes, lonely.

I learned to love life – beautiful, beautiful life – and other people too.

🙂