A friend asked me what made me go to therapy yesterday… it was a cumulation of many things that happened – a series of unfortunate events, if you will, although that may be a blessing/fortune in itself 😀

A whole series of signs from the universe… since September if i be honest… several hospital trips and stays, layoffs (disguised as “restructuring/redeployment”) at work, feeling unfulfilled and stuck at work, a mandate to move back to 5-day WFO and discouragement from requesting FWAs…

Then came October, where we went through a month-long cycle of sickness at home that made me think a lot about life and work – it was just nice our team’s peak period at work also…
then stumbled upon some videos about quantum science/reality and opened up a whole era of curiosity about the truths of the universe, spirituality and awakening, how it ties to life and etc. I feel like i was going through some kind of spiritual awakening lol

With my eyes infected (red and swollen and painful) in that sickness cycle, i guess it forced me to be more introspective as well.

I started to question if this is the life i want to live – i still have probably 30-40 more years to go if we go by the “average life span”, but how many good years will i have? How many good years do i want to spend living life… in this way?

I always had a calling to do something more with life, something more aligned with my higher purpose, doing spiritual and soulful work, or at least something with meaning that’s aligned with my beliefs and values.

This whole month-or-two-long episode kind of catalysed some transformation or awakening in me somehow. And i feel like maybe it’s time! To take the leap of faith!

But… but but but…. I am aware i have quite a bit of internal programming, blockages, self-limiting beliefs, unhealed traumas etc that i haven’t worked through and i know they will be what holds me back.

I guess that’s my “why” 🙂

And then, i messaged Lorraine, booked a session, and… here we are.

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Back to the story of what happened in the meditative state…

Btw i found a picture that is much more similar to the figure i saw in the scene!

The subsequent part of the “journey” was Lao Tzu guiding me to a stream that symbolises the flow of life/time. There was a boat and we got on it – there was a cosy and comfy seat and Lao Tzu was “driving” (steering?) the boat. We went forwards for a bit, then started going backwards. 

At some point, she asked me what was coming up, what do i see? I think at this point i was still confused between my consciousness and subconscious, but the scene was pretty clear.

I was my P5 self, wandering around aimlessly after school – i used to take a feeder bus all the way around and alight at hougang festival market (now hougang one) and will buy some ice cream, fries and walk around until it was 4+ or 5pm – because i just didn’t want to go home. 

She asked, “why are you here? Is there anyone with you?”

“I don’t want to go home yet. I’m alone”

“Why do you not want to go home?”

“I don’t wanna go home… i always get scolded.”

I cannot remember what exactly has been asked now, and in what order, but i think there was “Why are you alone?”and “How are you feeling?”

To which, i answered, “i have no friends, nobody loves me” and i started sobbing quite a bit. It was quite interesting because i could feel my facial muscles move into a sad pout/ frown but it was beyond my conscious control. I guess i should say i feel present but more as an observer. 

Lorraine asked if my p5 self would feel better if adult Belinda accompanies her home. P5 Belinda nods and stops crying.

Adult Belinda (me) came into the frame and held P5 Belinda’s hand, and we started walking home…

(To be continued)