Today, I would like to share the story of how I came to be “me”.

That is to say, I probably was a very different person even just a year or two back. I also recognise the fact that we are ever-changing and will continue to grow and evolve along with time and the experiences we go through.

In fact, as I sit here typing away at my laptop, stroking my short and spiky hair, I can’t help but marvel at the big changes that have happened to me internally and externally. The Belinda from the past probably never imagined I would actually shave my head someday – perhaps only something on the “I wish I had the courage to do” list. She probably also never thought I could simply take a year off after graduation to travel and explore instead of working towards the first bucket of gold.

I hope that through sharing my story, it could help you find the courage to take leaps of faith in your own life.

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I have been a vegan for 3 years now, and trying to be minimalist and zero waste since the end of last year/beginning of this year (2017/2018). I have just graduated this year, in May, and am taking a year off to align myself spiritually and discover more of my true purpose in life before starting out a career next year. Also, am currently growing my hair out from shaving my head end of July for an event in support of children with cancer.

Every day I am fighting battles and finding ways to grow courage, but I wasn’t always like that – Belinda wasn’t always like that.

In fact, this was how Belinda from the past was like…

When she was young, she never really knew what she liked. She had big dreams, of becoming a ballerina (even though she has never learned ballet), of becoming a teacher, of becoming a doctor, of becoming a secret agent or a superhero… and so on.

Because she had no idea what she liked (perhaps because there are simply too many things), Belinda simply followed. Followed instructions, followed friends, followed the general flow of life. In Singapore, the education system is rather structured and rigorous, focused very much on performance and grades, so we were always expected to score well and do well in tests and exams.

At first, she did well. She was lucky to be blessed with good memory, so she performed well for spelling tests and anything that requires memory. Then, she followed her friends and cousins to play. She didn’t like to go home right after school. She didn’t like to sit at a table for a few hours to finish her homework. She liked the company of friends, she liked to play with them. So, she started lying.

“I finished my homework already, but I didn’t bring,” Belinda would say after carefully hiding the workbook in the depths of her schoolbag, beneath other worksheets and files.

There were some things Belinda actually liked, like singing and drawing, but did not dare to pursue, or did not bother to put in time into becoming good at them. She watched others sing on stage while she secretly wished she were them, but teased and made fun of them, even passing criticism sometimes. She didn’t know it was jealousy then.

Then came PSLE, the first big examination in every Singaporean kid’s life. The exam that would decide which secondary school and stream he/she goes to. Basically, a number (score) that would define a kid’s worth for the first time.

Thanks to her good memory and some last minute study-cramming, she got a decent score – which is not good enough to go into an elite school, but good enough to be in a good neighbourhood school.

In secondary school, we had to choose our more-or-less compulsory co-curricular activity. Once again, Belinda followed. Because she didn’t know what she liked, or rather, did not have enough courage to pursue what she liked by herself (which was basketball that time, but I was terrible la, to be honest haha). Her fear of being alone or left out overcame her own likes.

She eventually joined the Chinese Orchestra, together with her friends, and eventually loved it anyway. She made good friends, got good at another musical instrument and got to be part of two competitions and several concerts. Fun times!

Belinda was obviously easily influenced by her company, from the playful bunch in the lower secondary years, to the more studious bunch in the upper secondary years. It clearly reflected in her academic performance. Lol.

Her better performance in upper secondary years was in most part, because of this boy. She fell in love, for the first time. He was charismatic, had a great smile and was very organised and self-motivated – the latter two opposite of what Belinda was lol.

 

This boy motivated and guided Belinda to work hard together, and taught her many concepts in science and other subjects that she struggled to grasp. In the end, Belinda did even better than him in the examinations (wtheck, i know!) – the ‘O’ levels, 2nd big exam that defines a Singaporean student’s worth.

In actual fact, though, Belinda was still simply following. Following the system, following friends, following this boy she so loved. She thought she wanted to be an engineer, just like him (or the him she imagined he was). She wanted to be in the same school and course as him. She wanted to be with him all the time.

Belinda was born vegetarian, but being with this boy, she even tried changing that to follow him once. (God bless it didn’t happen though, I only tried maybe 3 small pieces of meat/fish, and that was enough to know it wasn’t right deep down in my heart.)

We moved on to Junior College together, but couldn’t be in the same class, as we took the most common subject combination available – Physics, Chemistry, Mathematics, Economics – one Belinda thought could open most doors, delaying the question of where to head in life.

In JC, Belinda discovered her love for singing – oh, it was so strong and so real. She enjoyed jamming with her project mates instead of discussing, and spent after school hours singing and making music. It was absolutely delightful.

Other than the singing part, Belinda felt miserable in JC. She finally decided to not follow anyone but what she liked and chose dance as her CCA, something she never really got into. That exposed her to a whole new world of practical and elitist reality – she felt insecure and her self-esteem dropped to a new low.

Academically, she didn’t do very well either, as concepts and equations became way too complex and difficult. Even with the boy’s occasional help, it hardly improved. Belinda studied and studied through the prelims and finally, the ‘A’ levels, and did okay – good enough to choose whatever I liked.

Up till JC (18 years old), Belinda mostly followed the flow, followed her friends, followed what would be the norm of the society. She learned a lot in school, made a lot of friends, lost some of them, and fell in love for the first time.

But school didn’t give her the courage to pursue what she liked. School didn’t teach her how to chart out her life. School didn’t teach her that she could write her own story, and design a life that she would love.

It was only out of school (non-tertiary) that she found herself, what she liked, and the courage she needed to do what she liked.

And I’m so glad she did.

(To be continued…)