I am holding hands with my P5 self, walking home.

“Do you feel better now that adult Belinda is with you?”

“Yes”

I could feel my facial muscles relax a bit more, and i’m no longer crying.

Lorraine told me to tell P5 Belinda that I’ll listen to her no matter what, and that I’ll always be interested to hear what she has to say. I hugged her – it felt warm and nice, and safe.

The next thing i know, we’re now back home, entering through the familiar gate and wooden door.

I let P5 Belinda lead the way, and I followed closely behind.

“What do you see? Is anybody home?”
I only see my ah ma at home, and not my brother nor my father. She’s cooking dinner, i described to Lorraine.

“How is she looking or feeling?” Lorraine asked.

“She looks a bit angry and is scolding me over some small thing,” my P5 self replied.

——

To be really honest, my relationship with ah ma has always been… tough to navigate. The hurt she has inflicted in my childhood while i had little to no defences was brutal and laid the backdrop of my inner dialogue/self-talk for the longest time.

Because of the way she spoke to me and hurt me, for the longest time, i always felt “worthless”, “not good enough” and “undeserving of love”.

But i still want to love her and want her to feel loved because i know the reason she’s so hard to love is how she was brought up and what she has been through – always unwanted… from birth (because she’s a “midnight tiger”, which is not-so-good in the superstitious beliefs) and in her marriage (she told us that ah gong cheated on her using her hard-earned money).

I mean, i get why she is like that, or why she finds it hard to break out of the negativity… but i cannot possibly bear the brunt of how it manifests as discipline or verbal abuse. It’s unfair.

——

Lorraine asked me to speak up to my grandma as adult Belinda, that it’s not okay to act this way to a child.

I told Lorraine, “I’ve tried before already… it doesn’t work.”

“Try again”

So i did – i said: 你不可以这样的，这样对我一点也不公平
(or something along these lines)

Oh yes, during this part of the session, the right side of my head hurt so bad, like a bad migraine.

Then Lorraine asked me to envision my ah ma’s parents and how she was brought up. I saw two elderly figures and her harsh childhood… they didn’t know how to love and nurture her.

“Now envision the warm healing light come down from above, surrounding ah ma’s parents… and see how different things are when they have the tools and resources to love and nurture her well”

I start to see ah ma’s face turn soft and loving, and she began to smile, like one of those friendly, loving grandmas. That’s how i’ve always wanted my grandma to be like…

I see her heal :’)

Lorraine asked me what she looks like now, and i told her, “she’s smiling now.”

Lorraine then invited me to go over and hug her, and say “i forgive you”. And i did.

Then she cut the cords (karmic cords) that connected us such that my ah ma’s traumas and hurt and etc. will not manifest in my life anymore.

(sorry idk if i’m understanding it correctly but this is what i feel it means)

I left the house when I saw that ah ma and P5 Belinda were happily having dinner together – something that never happened on a regular day.

The next thing i know, that ache on the right side of my head was gone, replacing it was this almost cooling sensation.

I feel… relaxed. At peace.

(To be continued)