Oh wow, it’s already June – more than halfway through 2026!

Honestly, it’s been such a whirlwind of a year, I was already swooped up by the hurricane within the first two-three months…

I’m finally feeling settled enough to come back to this space and to write about the 2nd big portion of my therapy session. Because it had to do with my mum, I’d also wanted to talk to her about it fully before writing it in this space so she heard it from me straight.

However, because more than 6 months have passed since the session, I will try my very best to remember the details, which have been fading with every passing day.

Read the first three parts here:

Part 1 – I went for therapy for the very first time

Part 2 – We got on a boat…

Part 3 – I saw her heal before my eyes

---

I recall Lorraine asking me where I want to go now, and I think I was still the P5 Belinda. I said, “I want to go find my mummy”.

The next scene was one that is still very deeply etched in my memory: I was standing outside my grandparent’s place, an old block on farmway road (before the demolition and building of new HDBs) because I kept telling my dad “I want to go find mummy”. So he really brought my clothes and school uniform for the next day and brought me here.

In the actual memory, I didn’t go in or even ask for my mum when we were at the door, I just said, “I want to go back and look for didi” and then we left.

But in the session, Lorraine prompted me to go in instead, and to look for my mum.

“What is your mum doing?”

“She’s watching the TV”

“What do you want from your mum?”

“I want to be close to her” – here, I meant emotionally and also physically.

“Are you able to do that?”

“No”

“Why not?”

“She seems to have a sort of barrier or guard up, and feels distant somehow.”

Lorraine then guided me to try to see why it could be so, and somehow I saw that her childhood was quite hard, such that she had grown up finding it hard to love and accept herself.

I think the separation and divorce (when I was 4yo and my brother was 3) also added on a layer of guilt and shame for her, and hence the barrier.

I always felt that my mum was, in some ways, trying to “compensate” us for not being able to be with us all the time ever since the separation.

For the longest time, it was also very hard for me to accept the whole “broken family” situation, to be honest. I recall immediately tearing up whenever this situation came up in conversations or just in my head – all the way until upper primary (maybe around P5?) then it got better. Actually, I’m not sure if it got better or I just got numb to it, or got so good at suppressing these feelings.

I told Lorraine what I saw and what I thought/knew, and she then guided me to go back to the time when I was still in my mum’s womb. That was interesting for me.

I couldn’t really feel or see or hear much, but I tried to visualise being one with my mum, and opened myself to see if anything comes up. I was expecting to hear my dad speaking to the belly or something along those lines, but nothing, haha.

Lorraine guided me to send unconditional love to my mum from inside the womb. And that’s what I did, I sent lots of “I love you mummy” to her and what I knew unconditional love as – this warm, white, all-emcompassing light. I really hope this reached deep inside her.

(While writing this, tears are welling up in my own eyes as I imagine feeling this warm, fuzzy loving feeling coming from my baby during pregnancy…)

The next scene Lorraine guided me to go to was the day I was born, in the delivery ward. Oooh, interesting.

I visualised myself coming down through the birth canal and out into the world. Lorraine asked adult Belinda to come and receive the baby, and so I did.

I held newborn me in my arms (more like hands) and told her “Welcome to the world, Belinda. You are so loved. So, so loved. You deserve all the love in the world. I love you.”

Then I brought newborn me to my parents, and showed them ME. The look of bliss was written all over their faces and feelings of pure joy and happiness surrounded us and permeated through the room.

I think this healed a very deep-seated part in me that has always felt unwanted and abandoned. I always had an unfounded fear of abandonment – if someone made me wait a little longer than a few minutes, I would start thinking if they would even come back at all.

Now I feel like I had come to this world so wanted, so loved and so welcome. I brought bliss and joy to my parents, the ones who loved me first and the most.

I felt this two ways/two-fold, because as a parent, I knew exactly how I feel towards my children and the joy and bliss of receiving them to this world.

I had never been unwanted, nor was I ever abandoned. My parents just had their own lives to live, their own mistakes to make and deal with, and it’s just because our lives are so intertwined that I am inevitably affected by it.

The love never changed, just the circumstances.

Mummy, if you are reading this, please know that we have never ever blamed you or feel like you are less of a mum because we don’t stay together anymore. You deserve all the love and happiness in the world, and I hope my healing journey helps to bring healing to you too. And most of all, I pray that you realise that you are so worthy of love and happiness, and that you can love and accept yourself wholly. We want nothing but for you to be happy, and also I look forward to being closer and closer to you as we continue to open up to each other.

To anyone who has been through a separation/divorce as a parent or as a kid, I’m also sending lots of love and light to you. May we all find the healing we deserve, and here’s to finding all the love and joy in the world despite the “imperfections” (that is life).

Lots of love and light,
Beoz